As I mentioned in a previous post, it was a goal of mine to go sober from weed for a full year. Specifically, I’ve been doing this as a mini experiment for myself from September 10, 2023 to now (September 10, 2024). Well, I’m happy to say that I have ended up making it the full year: I have not touched weed since last September.
There’s no particular reason why I decided to start doing this, but I guess it’s primarily because I wanted to do something different in my life and give myself a change. I wanted to reassess my relationship with weed, and take some time off from my regular patterns. I didn’t hit rock bottom or have some sort of terrible experience or anything, that’s actually kind of the problem: I enjoyed weed way too much and it always made my life feel complete no matter what. I don’t think I’ve ever had a bad time with weed, the only thing I can think of that comes close is me getting too high and dropping my wallet or something similarly stupid. But for the most part, I’ve always had a great time and it has always helped everything for me: my back pain, my depression, my overall dissatisfaction with life. It helps literally everything.
Like I said, I never hit rock bottom with weed. In fact, I would call it the opposite. I had a beautiful moment last year where I had the clear thought in my head, “There is nothing that will be better than this moment.” I woke up early one morning on my last day in Amsterdam so I could get picked up by my Uber and head for the airport. On the way to the airport, the red velvet cake I had eaten about half an hour earlier for breakfast (with Dutch cheese and brioche bread) started to kick in as I stared out the window and took everything in. Cobblestone streets, beautiful girls with blonde hair riding their bikes, all the Euro architecture, etc. That’s when I had the thought that led to my decision to stay sober for the next year. I can’t describe it to you properly, but there’s just something about that moment that made me think I wanted it to be my last high memory, if that makes sense. There is just something special about having the last time you were high being a clear and very fond memory versus it being just a regular Tuesday in your life, if you catch my drift.
At first, this decision was honestly not that hard. I got a lot of reading done. In the span of like 3 or 4 months I read The Man Without Qualities, 2666, Infinite Jest, and Blood Meridian. If you’re not familiar with those first three books, they are very long novels; I probably would not have done that if I was high constantly. I went through a bunch of other books that fall and winter, and it was nice to occupy my time in that manner. And then as time went on I got distracted with other things, like work, for example. Again, it was nice to focus on something and waste my time in a productive way. I didn’t mind being sober for the first few months. Actually, to be honest with you I didn’t mind it for most of time I was sober because it was refreshing to take the break. It’s also not like I haven’t done this before: in the past I’ve used extended sobriety as a tool to get things done and focus on creative projects or other tasks that need to be accomplished.
However, toward the end of the year — I’m talking maybe the last like 3 months or so here — I found it increasingly difficult. Well, maybe not “difficult,” that might be the wrong word. But definitely annoying. I think life has gotten so stressful and annoying overall (I don’t mean my life specifically, I mean life in the modern world, so to speak), that I started really missing weed. Now that it’s over, I’m happy, but I’m not about to start doing bong hits and smoking blunts like a crackhead right now, but I do not see myself continuing sobriety for the long term. I think too much is not smart, and I think nothing at all feels torturous at times. The difficult thing is trying to figure out what is an appropriate amount for yourself. I don’t have an answer for you, but I don’t think daily use is good.
Anyway, as for what I learned about the whole experience: I think I learned that I don’t need weed as much as I thought I did. Don’t get me wrong, I still do, but there are certain times it wasn’t really necessary as much as I thought it was. For example, in the past when going to the movies I would usually smoke something before the movie like a regular person, and this year I learned that this wasn’t really necessary. I also got used to just enjoying life on its own without any help in general. Secondly, the big thing I took away from all of this is with regards to dieting; I have cut a lot of sugar out of my diet, I no longer eat after 6pm, and I only eat 2 large meals a day instead of 3. I feel much healthier overall as a result of doing all of this, and I don’t really have cravings for shitty quality food anymore. To be honest, even when I do consume something shitty (like cinnamon rolls or a chocolate bar, for example), there’s a part of me that doesn’t even enjoy it or like the taste anymore. It’s almost as if my brain needs to sort of be retarded momentarily in order to enjoy the foolishness I’m ingesting. Part of me is scared by this realization, because what this means is that I’m essentially dumbing myself down with weed in order to enjoy certain aspects of life, and I have to be prepared for this whenever the next time I choose to engage in it again is.
And finally, the last big thing a weed break did for me — aside from natural dopamine and dieting changes — was a health/lifestyle change overall. This is sort of the same thing I mentioned already with the natural dopamine, but what I mean by this one is regarding health overall; going for walks, meditating, running, and so on. The thing is, when there’s no artificial source of dopamine in your life anymore, you sort of have to push yourself to feel good naturally. I got addicted to counting my steps with my Apple Watch, for example.
Now, this all sounds like it’s great and I’m healthy and blahblahblah. But the problem I’m having sometimes is still with the overall lack of meaning in my life. It’s not like my life is now a million times better and I’m now at an unbelievable place in my life. I’m just the same guy with a couple of minor changes. So I have become healthy and curtailed bad habits…..now what? I guess if I was some struggling alcoholic constantly fucking up in life I would be happy with my life changes at this stage, and I could see the changes in my life clearly and be motivated to stay sober. But this is just weed, and it wasn’t really a major problem for me, so it’s kind of a humorous situation to be in; it’s not so bad that it’s life-ruining, but it’s not good for you either. The challenge I’m left with here is basically just to force myself to be a disciplined person.