This one’s a bit of a follow-up to the thing I wrote awhile ago called, “Unhinged.” Even though this one’s called “Unhinged 2,” I am happy to report that I’ve had a productive couple of weeks since I wrote that. It’s been about 3 weeks since I posted that, and since then I’ve managed to get back into the swing of things. Once again, this might seem very indulgent and stupid, but I’m writing it to be transparent about the process of being unhinged and working, and how to combat this shit.
The last time I wrote, I was struggling to write. Not “writer’s block,” because I never really run out of ideas, but more of a feeling of dread and nihilism that makes me feel doing stuff isn’t important. It’s a fake feeling that I shouldn’t listen to because doing art is important: it keeps me busy and alive and happy. I have to remember that the nihilism feeling is fake and try to work through it, and that’s what I’ve been trying to do lately.
Regarding my Russian novel, Love and Solitude, when I last wrote I was at 31,974 words. I’m now at 34,000 words, which does not seem like a lot, but I took some time to reassess where I want to go with the future of the story/book, which is important. I never want to work on something if my heart isn’t entirely in it, and I feel like with certain things you can often sense when the person or people behind it ran out of steam. For example, why not make a movie made up of entirely cool scenes? Why do most movies seem to hit a wall or limit of cool shit happening? I’d argue it’s because a lot of people run out of steam halfway through their project and lose belief in their project being rad. That happens when you get unhinged. Anyway, that’s where I am with my novel: I made the conscious decision to stop actually working on it, and do some work on the planning of the plot when I return to working on it next month. That leads me to the other way I’ve been productive…
My screenplay for this year. As you might recall, when I wrote about it here I only managed to get a single scene done. I was planning what to do around it, but failing to get any work done because I just didn’t feel motivated enough. Now, 3 weeks later, I am 54 pages into my script. As I’ve mentioned several times in the past, my process for writing a script is by hand first on a legal pad and Papermate Flair pens, and then typing up whatever I wrote scene by scene on the computer. This gives me time to let the material breathe, and remove impurities as if I were building a Japanese sword. Or “cauterizing,” which is how Louis CK once described how he builds a stand-up set. It takes a lot of time, and that’s how I’ve been building this screenplay: I’ll write a big scene one day, and then the next day I type it up on Final Draft 11, add to it, or remove shit if I don’t like it the next day. Or I’ll walk around and not think about it for awhile, and when I come back I’ll revisit it. Long ass process, but I’ve been taking this month to dedicate the time to it. The deadline for one of the screenplay competitions I’m gonna enter is April 2, and I think at the rate I’m working now the script should be done around then. It should be in the ballpark of 100 pages. It is a mystery story, something I have never done before, and I’m finding it takes a lot more mental energy than I’m used to. But it’s fun, and I’m looking forward to being able to share it with the world sometime. Maybe I’ll publish it next year January.
I have also been really busy with work. Now that the virus is over and has conveniently disappeared (jk haha), there seems to be a push by our overlords to reopen everything again and act like nothing’s wrong anymore. So that means I’m working a lot physically these days instead of just at home, which of course means I have less time for myself and creative stuff at home. Slavery sucks, but this situation is also kind of a good and bad thing: on one hand I have less time for myself than I’d prefer, much less energy leftover after work to do work on my projects, and I feel exhausted somedays due to having to wake up so early and commute and shit like that. On the other hand, I am keeping busy, and that can be a really helpful thing if you are going through an unhinged phase.
What I’ve learned about these phases is that distraction is the name of the mf game. Sometimes you just gotta do stuff that is outside of yourself for awhile, and just be productive for no reason. All I need to remember is that life is temporary, I shouldn’t worry too much or get too bummed out about it, and simply just get to work whether it feels like anything is happening or not. At the end of the day, the time is gonna fly by either way, and I’ll be dead before I know it. Might as well spend that time being creative/active/proactive/whatever tf you wanna call it. Always moving, constant motion like a shark.
Another way to think about this would be like jumping rope. I was thinking about this the other day when exercising (another habit I forced myself to return to this month, which is obviously also really good for you and helped me quite a bit). When you’re skipping, at first it can be a little tough to really get into “the groove,” so to speak. You’re rusty, and you fuck up a couple times at first go. But then once you get into the swing of things and you’re in constant motion again, it’s hard to stop when you’re in the middle of it.
The only difficulty I have right now is detecting when I need to take a rest from this constant motion, and how long this rest should be. This is an area of improvement I gotta work on because it’s very difficult to distinguish between when it’s an unhinged phase, or if it’s just being lazy. Sometimes you need to take time to be unhinged for sure, but other times if you let it go on too long you’re just being undisciplined and oafish with your precious time. So that’s where I am: I have to find the balance between these states and figure out what works best for me. Currently riding a creative wave right now and working on this screenplay though, so I’ll enjoy it while it lasts !
Oh and BTW: I have been writing stuff for this website as well. And doing my lil paintings for fun. I almost always am. (I’m working on a Meaningless Magazine book, and it’s gonna have lots of cool shit in it). But there are certain times I simply do not post shit because I don’t feel like going back to edit, and I don’t want to post something that I’m not 100% confident with. When I say stuff like “constant motion,” this is an unfortunate side effect: sometimes I enjoy the process of working so much that I don’t even really care or want to go back and see what I’ve actually done yet. Sometimes it’s more fun to keep building and see whatever tf you got much later. If you go back and edit too much, you could lose the creative rush/fever you’ve developed for the current moment.
Sometimes I also feel that, as a creative person, with everything made public it’s another piece of you out there. This can be a good thing for sure because you’re sharing your spirit with the world and whatnot. But the flip side to that is that it’s another thing you have put out into the world, and you’re spiritually linked with it somehow. Similar to how if you have casual sex with some random person you’ll never see again, you still have to kind of live with the knowledge that you did that. IDK what I’m getting at specifically here, but it’s something interesting to think about lmao. Releasing stuff to the world can be good or bad, and I am not saying I am burdened by what other people think about me and scared to do shit at all, I’m just saying sometimes the mental energy that comes with the knowledge of putting something out there is sometimes intense. It’s hard to describe, but IYKYK lol.