Before you get angry about this you should consider a couple things:
1. I won’t care.
2. I am a writer, comic, and artist. I don’t see reality like a normal person, I just do things that amuse myself personally.
3. This is only for hot girls that don’t know what to do with the amazing luck they’ve been born with and want to be rich.
I live with my parents, and at the age of 28 (at the time of this writing) I’m in the unique position of witnessing all my contemporaries get the opportunity to move out of their parents’ homes, and go on to live what appear to be great lives. I went to an arts high school where I was pretty much the only brown dude, and my classmates were basically all boring well off white people who are now lucky enough to have apartments, etc. And I literally still live in the same home I have since childhood, so it feels surreal to see other people going through various life stages. Other than wanting to travel to my bucket list places in Europe and achieve my artistic goals: owning a house I can live completely alone in is pretty much all I dream about. I think about it constantly every single day, like a bored office worker dreaming about a beach. I fantasize about owning a house somewhere in the countryside and living alone, far away from Toronto and the bugmen that are taking over this once great city. In my house I’d write novels, screenplays, make podcasts, record comedy stuff for YouTube, maybe get a couple girls to come over a couple times a week whenever I get lonely or need a break from my artistic work. It would be such a beautiful life. I already know it would be perfect: some of the happiest moments in my life have been me in a hotel room, making coffee & writing for several hours, & completely losing track of the time.
People are okay for the most part when you talk to them one on one, but it’s almost always fleeting. The thing I dislike about most of them is their inability to see how they’re being toyed with and their blindness about being cogs in a machine. Most people cannot sit still and be quiet: they tend to overcomplicate everything and seem to enjoy talking endlessly about things that aren’t even really that important. I really feel like an alien when I’m around most people and I find it very hard to relate.
Listen to the average person talk: they’re completely lacking metacognition, they let themselves get riled up about stuff that’s in the news, or what someone at work said to them or whatever. I’ve found I’m happiest when there’s absolutely no noise and I can hear my own brain. In the past whenever someone has started an argument with me I either just say nothing and stop talking to them, or I tell them they’re right and I’m wrong to let them feel better about themselves, because I know in the long run I’m saving myself a lot of time and energy I can use for more important things. The further away from excessive & unnecessary noise & conflict I am, the more at peace I am. So my dream house would be an extension of that: that’s my ideal life.
Now, realistically: this goal of home ownership is highly unlikely to ever happen for me due to the fact that the odds are so against my favour. The average home costs a shit ton, I’m a millennial who can’t find well paying work that isn’t completely demoralizing, and oh yeah: the economy was ruined by a bat this year. I have no idea what the fuck is going on out there anymore, and I don’t want to take my chances doing too many things in the world when I could possibly catch covid and die. I’m not playing the victim here or complaining: I am simply just writing conversationally to you. These are just my chips: such is life. As Tony Soprano would say, “What the fuck are you gonna do?” All I can do is find the pleasures in the life I have now, which is not that bad really.
Maybe as a result of my unfortunate situation, I have fun amusing myself by thinking about what I’d do if I was a hot girl. I honestly feel that, in today’s world of high speed internet and smartphones, they are a group of people that live their whole lives on easy mode. I know that isn’t considered appropriate to say or might even seem sexist, but I also believe it’s true. As a hot girl, things would be so laughably easy for me I’d be able to turn all my luck around instantly. Most men are mentally weak, and lack honour or morals. Knowing what I know about men, if I was a hot girl I’d use my knowledge to be ruthlessly Machiavellian and take advantage of all of them to get my dreams accomplished.
So here’s what I’d do.
1. The right look.
If I wasn’t already, I’d dye my hair blonde. Then I’d get blue contacts. America favours this specific type of look and holds it in very high regard. It’s an archetype that has been around for years: the All-American Girl, the American Sweetheart, etc. She can do no wrong, and even if she does she’s forgiven. She can take photos of her food, post them on social media, and loser men who don’t value their time around the globe will jack off to it.
2. I’d start a Twitter and an Instagram for a fake persona.
This is where I’d post provocative photos and give people a slight insight into my endearing and slightly quirky personality. I’d use a lot of emojis to let people know I’m a girl with a sense of humour, someone that doesn’t take herself too seriously. I’d avoid talking about politics, and I wouldn’t post photos about anything too materialistic so I could appear more relatable.
Everything I post on these platforms I’d consider free giveaways for my “fans.” Nothing too risqué, but not too modest either. Perhaps I’d show half a nip, or maybe my butt, but that’s about it: the goal here is not to be exploited by the bugmen Jack Dorsey or Mark Zuckerberg. The end goal is to do the exploiting. It’s just a short-term strategy: get as many loser men to notice me as possible, because a certain percentage of these guys will have money I can exploit later for the below steps.
3. Market myself as a “high-class” escort.
I’d hire people to start a sleek, professional looking website, get a professional photoshoot done, write a short blurb about myself. My rate would probably be $250 an hour at first: this would just be a tactic initially to attract a bunch of clients, establish a reputation, and get some decent reviews for my services going. Then I’d hire an assistant to handle all my e-mails: this would be for the purpose of weeding out all the lunatics that would probably e-mail me with various grammatical errors, etc.
After a brief period of working at that rate, I’d increase it to $500 an hour. This would weed out even more losers, but it would also give me the legroom (or should I say vaginaroom? haha) to negotiate and keep some of my less financially successful clients who I might like: I’d still see a couple of them for maybe $300 an hour if I thought they weren’t annoying, had good hygiene, and we got along well.
4. Start my own paid subscription website.
I would not use Onlyfans. As I have already mentioned: the goal is to not be a cog in a machine or exploited by any bugmen. The owner of Onlyfans is a guy named Timothy Stokely, he’s the son of a wealthy banker, and upon seeing his image one is immediately filled with contempt. I wouldn’t want my business to be at the behest of such a weirdo.
My paid subscription site would be different than the escort website: it would be tailored specifically for the losers that like me all around the world who could not ever afford to see me. This is basically just a way for me to make additional side income without even really trying. However, depending on how much I wanted to I could easily make this my sole source of income and being a prostitute the second. Most men are so fucking stupid that I could sell my time and things like “texting packages” to them, get my assistant to handle all of it, and I’d still make tons of money.
5. Do this for at least 10-15 years, or as long as my looks would allow.
I’d keep seeing my clients for this time, never falling into the trap of wasting money frivolously. I’d just keep saving all of it. By the end of my tenure as a professional call girl I’d have saved up thousands of dollars, and I’d use it to buy land. At that point I’d buy two properties: one for myself to live in, and one I could turn into an Airbnb and keep making money on the side. If I still needed easy money and didn’t want to risk my health anymore I would simply just keep the paid subscription service going.