I’ve already mentioned this, but for those that aren’t aware here’s a quick recap: I published a novel called ABSOLUTE ANHEDONIA back in 2015. It was an exploration of my feelings of numbness and overall inability to feel anything properly at that period in my life. I had just graduated from University (the loneliest, shittiest four years of my existence so far), I had gotten a job at a call centre, and there were other tough changes in my life at that time. And I’ve always considered myself a writer who works out ideas I'm having through my work, so the novel was basically born out of that. I wrote it for myself primarily and did little to no marketing. Over the years a couple friends would read it, or someone Googling about depression would randomly stumble on it and send me a nice e-mail or give me a nice Amazon review.
Anyway, unsurprisingly nothing more than that happened. I self-published it and a small handful of people read it. Three years later I received a nice e-mail from someone who said they enjoyed the novel, but they would have liked if it was longer. If a criticism of your novel is the fact that it could be longer, I think that’s a good sign. Normally I wouldn’t have continued with an idea I started so long ago, but I felt it was appropriate here because I had a little more to say. And my employment situation is precarious at best; I’m fucking broke and need money.
So this is a super short excerpt from the new version of the novel. It is slightly longer, and there’s more background to some of the characters. Overall I think it is a little better, but nothing is really lost if you read the original and don’t give a shit about the new one. It will be available shortly on Amazon, and I will be recording an audiobook so you can hear my dumb voice if you'd prefer to hear the story that way.
Thank you for reading.
***
“Life is completely meaningless, Jeff. Don’t ever forget that.”
Jeff’s grandfather stretched his legs at that moment, and one of his testicles slowly fell out of his boxers. It made its way down the couch he was sitting on like a marble going down a long staircase.
“Jesus Christ,” Jeff thought. “Is this really what life comes down to in the end? There has to be more than just this.” Jeff’s grandfather flipped through the channels on a TV older than Jeff.
“Gramps, why don’t you hand me the remote, I’ll put something good on.”
“Nonsense. I will.”
After a moment, the grandfather stopped at a game show.
“Jeff, listen to me. I’m gonna tell you this one time, so listen carefully: life is meaningless. Don’t ever forget -”
“I know. You told me already.”
“What? I never told you that.”
“You did. But you have Alzheimer’s and you forgot you told me.”
“I have Alzheimer’s?”
“Yeah.”
“No shit?”
“Nope.”
“Wow. That’s crazy.”
“How do you feel right now?”
“Confused.”
“That’s normal. You’ll be okay though.”
“Thanks. Your name is Jeff, right?”
“Yeah, I’m your grandson.”
“Oh yeah. Okay. Thanks.”
Jeff had no idea why he talked to his grandfather like that, but it was probably because he was so bored. He knew the old man would forget everything he said, but he sometimes enjoyed talking to him and pretending he was still capable of speaking regularly. It reminded him of the good times before his grandfather started losing his memory.
Jeff sat there like that quietly with the old man as he watched the game show. Jeff suggested he should probably put his testicle back in his boxers. It was a lost cause: the testicle was rolled up and put back in...only to fall right back out after about seven minutes of the game show they were watching. The testicle was determined and always rolled out no matter what Jeff told his grandfather. He was almost forced to stare at it day after day; Jeff found himself drawn to it. It was almost like a weird updated version of Sisyphus’ boulder. Despite all the meaninglessness the old man would warn about, his testicle would remain persistent as long as life continued to go on.
Jeff stared as he thought about his grandfather’s entire life. He thought to himself, Just imagine: a person lives their entire life and then they forget it all. All the good and bad. It’s like it never happened. What’s the point of anything?
He decided that life should have a meaning. Even if it wasn’t clear to him yet. He’d wait for some kind of sign as long as he could.
It just didn’t make sense to him that a person could have this rich, complex, beautiful existence with schedules and hobbies and passions and hopes and dreams, but in the end everything just dissolved. It was such an utter disappointment to learn that reality is really quite fickle.
