Some of the people that read this site have asked me from time to time why I haven’t been writing that often lately. If you look back at the archives of this site, this year is probably one of the lowest historically in terms of how often I’ve been updating. There are a number of reasons for this, and I guess I will take some time to get into them here.
I suppose the main reason for this change is time: I barely have any time for myself these days because I’m doing this school program at the moment. It’s probably the hardest I’ve ever worked academically because there are multiple assignments and tests every single week I have to do. It sucks. It’s taking up almost all the time I have this year, and the little time I have leftover I’m using to chill out for my mental health and things of that nature. One of the most popular posts I’ve written on this website is this one, so the idea I went back to school for something is a little humorous. Also, if you have read my work or know me at all, the prospect is probably even funnier because of how negatively (or realistically) I view the world situation. The truth is I have no idea why I decided to go back, I don’t really have any optimism about the degree I’m pursuing actually getting me a job in the future, I hate the fact that I had to spend thousands of dollars to go back, and I don’t particularly like school. I fucking hate it to be fully honest with you. But I guess it’s just one of those years: I didn’t really want to spend another year doing the same thing. I think it’s a good idea in life in general to not spend your life doing the same things over and over, and this life decision was sort of an extension of that. If I didn’t go back to school I’d probably be working at some shitty job right now, or probably writing another book no one reads, or something else I’ve already done in the past. In life it’s just generally good to do new stuff I think.
That brings me to my next reason for the lack of updates around here. I have gone sober for 2024 as a personal challenge to myself. People close to me or anyone that has read my books knows I am a fan of weed; this year I haven’t partaken in that. To be exact, I haven’t partaken since September 10, 2023, when I last left Amsterdam. And I plan on going the full year. There is no real reason why I made this decision, and nothing went horribly wrong in my life or anything like that, it’s just an extension of what I said above: I wanted to spend the year doing something differently. So I have. I started doing it as an experiment, and I thought I would feel happier or have a clearer mindset or something, but the truth is I’m a lot unhappier this year than I was last year around this time. And I don’t think it’s just because of the stress of school. Without edibles it feels like something is missing in my life. I know that sounds bad to say or whatever, but it’s just true.
That leads me to the third reason (or I guess this is part of the previous reason, I don’t know), with this consistent feeling of unhappiness in me these days, I also can’t help but feel the pointlessness of everything a whole lot more. As in, “Why write?” Or “Why do anything?” I am no stranger to these thoughts, but I guess when you combine this feeling with my lack of free time from school, the result is that I simply don’t end up updating around here at all. What is the point in writing anything at all when I could just chill and be an average NPC? Now, don’t get me wrong: I am not giving up on my artistic life or anything like that. But at the same time, as I said: I do not want to spend my limited time doing the same things over and over. Why write when this website doesn’t pay my bills or help me in any tangible way? I initially used to write a lot more here because I thought it was fun at the time, and it was a great way of letting off some steam, but I don’t really feel the same way these days.
Another reason I haven’t written much on here this year is that I feel like my writing process has changed significantly after publishing my last 2 books. I put my all in those books, and everything worthwhile I feel I have to say I want to put in books moving forward. If anyone wants to read my work, they can read my books. Although I haven’t been posting much on here, I am pretty much always writing and collecting material for possible books I may or may not publish. Because this is a free website, I hate the idea of people I don’t like or people who don’t like me reading my work for free or having access to me in that manner. I don’t know, it just rubs me the wrong way. At least with a book, I know that whoever reads it at least paid 10 bucks or whatever it is to read. Of course, I won’t be taking this website down anytime soon or anything, and I may still publish from time to time if I have something to say about a current or topical situation that might not translate well in a book (I wrote a long one about Drake vs. Kendrick I never ended up posting, haha), but I still feel that the books have become more important to me overall because they’re more permanent. It used to be the other way around for awhile, and the website took precedence. Not so much anymore.
Finally, the last reason I have not been writing that much on here is that I think something has fundamentally changed in the world lately. I am not sure how to describe this properly, but I’ll do my best. I could be just too negative and cynical for my own good, but I think the world has shifted so much in the past little while in the sense that most people simply do not read and we live in a world of a sort of incentivized retardation. There is simply no motivation for the average person to read anything at all anymore. Not books or websites like this one. I’m not saying no one reads anymore, because I’m sure some people still do. I’m just saying the culture overall has shifted. People don’t read overall. They go on YouTube, they scroll on Twitter, watch porn, and whatever else. So there’s no incentive for me to even write anymore, it’s like a top down problem. No one gives a shit about me, I don’t give a shit about anyone else, and so on. It feels like people are significantly shittier now, the world is shittier overall, and something has shifted. Women are shitty and shallow, men are useless and broke, young people don’t read, most movies suck, nothing exciting is going on, there’s no upward mobility, we’re all atomized and lonely. People are mentally ill and retarded. That’s just how it is these days.
That’s the only way I can describe it. I don’t want to give the impression that I’ve allowed other people to influence me in such a shallow manner, because the truth is I’m always writing at least something, but at the same time there is no real purpose in posting or including others in my writing too often. Moving forward, other than my books, I might join the rest of the modern age and use YouTube to post stuff instead of here. But who knows, I don’t like the idea of that either. Maybe I’ll just keep posting here whenever I have something to say, I don’t know.
Anyway, that’s it. In a nutshell I’ve been minding my own business, keeping my head down, that sort of thing. Good luck to you all!