I guess when I said I was officially done my unhinged phase I wasn’t completely, because I got into a slight car accident a couple days ago. It’s probably not too much of a stretch to say that this mistake was partly due to this unhinged state of mind I was trying to describe. I consider myself a pretty good driver, so a car accident is a good reflection of my mind state lately. It was an appropriate bookend (I hope, at least) to a bumpy winter.
What happened was: I was exhausted from working all the time (I gotta wake up at 6am on a work day, and if you know anything about me…I’m not early morning, I’m late night homie😎), and it was one of those miserable snowing-all-day days. Terrible weather that makes you question why you’re trying so hard in life when you live in Canada and it’s shitty outside at least 50% of the time, and we all die at the end anyway. My car lost traction, skid, and hit a pole. The front of my car was damaged a bit, and I’m okay, just a little back pain from being banged up a little. Currently still waiting on my car to get fixed and I’ve been driving my mom’s to go to work instead like a bum, haha😂😂😂.
Anyway, I kinda wanted to talk about this because a car accident is unique in that it’s a traumatic event that kinda wakes you up in a way, it shakes you from your regular routine for sure. It’s one of those things you replay in your head afterward repeatedly, and feel upset that it happened the way that it did, etc. It’s hard to not beat yourself up over having a car accident if it was your fault. You kinda run through different ways it could have gone down, etc. If I was well rested, it wouldn’t have happened because I know better than to go out if I’m tired. If I was making a living off my art, it wouldn’t have happened because I don’t like to travel while it’s snowing in my regular life. If if if if! That’s the cycle of your brain after you have a minor car accident like the one I had.
It’s particularly very annoying to have to go through (aside from the obvious cost, danger, and potential pain involved) because it just shows you how much of a statistic you are. I don’t mean a simple driving statistic, because accidents happen all the time and we all understand that. I’m talking on a wider level, almost philosophically, a statistic of our way of living, and the collateral damage of capitalism. Crashing your car can be an indication you’re living a life you don’t really fully enjoy (and like I’ve been saying a lot lately: one you have no control over).
Like I already mentioned: I consider myself a pretty goddamn good driver. And yet, I still got into an accident. I’ve only been involved in one other small accident before, one that occurred for a similar reason (shitty wet snow). It pisses me off because it’s basically a by-product of living a rat race lifestyle: when you have to work, you are basically accepting the fact that you will have to do things that could potentially endanger your life and wellbeing that you wouldn’t be doing otherwise if you weren’t being paid. That is basically the tradeoff for working a regular job: if you’re an employee you have to expect a certain percentage of shit might happen to your health, and you’ll still be expected to go to work. It’s not like you can ask for a year off or something and expect everyone to be perfectly happy with that.
It’s become very trendy in recent years for various people and employers to tout their beliefs on mental health, and how much they all care and blahblahblah. The fact of the matter is that no one actually cares that much, because if they did we’d have more mental health shit written in work contracts: “Billy is exempt from working on Fridays because it fucks with his depression.” I don’t think a person should ever have to feel like they have to enter a vehicle and go to work, but that’s what we’ve got. And then of course, this endangers their life, the lives of others around them, and it’s clearly just not the smartest decision a person could make.
But that’s how this system and how being around people basically works: you can’t just tell the people in your life, “I don’t like being here right now. I am mentally and physically exhausted from living this shit life I’m stuck with, and I would like to be alone for a month,” and disappear to Europe for awhile. As much as I’d like to, a decision like that would not be so simple, and would require more planning and discussions and bullshit I can’t deal with right now. Because I’d come back from Europe without a job and a bunch of angry people to talk to, lol. So what this all means is that a guy has no choice but to become further and further unhinged, until shit like a car accident happens. The phrase “golden handcuffs” comes to mind, not that I get paid that much, but it’s especially true in a failing economy: you have no freedom other than wherever the money is. Another phrase comes to mind, “No chains around my feet, but I’m not free,” as Bob Marley would say. I think there are probably even rich people that must feel this way: they can’t say no to certain things because they don’t have the complete freedom to or they’ll lose their clout and whatever else. It’s one of the worst aspects of life IMO: sometimes you’re pushed to complete exhaustion and no one gives a fuck (even though they could potentially be at risk too if they happen to be around someone who has become momentarily unhinged).
Like I’ve already said before, I can’t say for sure god is real or fake, but I lean towards the “real” side (although probably not in the way the concept is traditionally taught). The thing about getting into a car crash that feels freaky is that it kind of has the vibe that it was meant to happen. I hesitate to use terms like “divine intervention” unironically, but in some ways it kinda fits. I’m not sure how to perfectly describe this, but it felt like it was almost outside of my control. I was driving, but at the same time it was almost like I was an action figure in a toy car being moved around by someone for a brief moment. I know it sounds crazy, but it really did feel that way due to the fact that I didn’t really do anything outside of my normal driving habits. I was living my life, and I was pulled by a force outside of my own control. Aside from wet snow and terrible weather, it was just one of those things that happened in my everyday life. It would be like if you were taking a shit and the Kool-Aid man busted in outta nowhere: it’s the last thing you’d be expecting because you take a shit everyday, and now the fucking Kool-Aid man is here? Tf is going on? Why did it happen? What does it mean? Lol
To shift gears (in an article about a car crash, get it, haha) a bit here, I want to talk about the other way I’ve been thinking about the state of being unhinged lately, and that is its relationship to art. As mentioned, I’ve been working on a screenplay for the last little while. I’m officially done the first draft now, and I feel like a dark cloud has kind of lifted off my head. And I’m not saying the script itself caused anything to happen to me specifically, but I do think working on a certain project could possibly bleed into your personal life. The script is about trauma, and the main characters are kinda going through life feeling badly/struggling to feel better regarding their trauma. It’s also about uncertainty, free will, having no clue about life, and coming to terms with that. I guess you could describe one of the main characters as having “brain fog,” the mental fatigue that comes with grief and worrying too much about a certain thing.
Once again, I’m not saying that if you work on a certain project it will definitely affect you in your personal life. But it might, at least on a subconscious level, who knows? I’ve been depressed a lot lately, who knows if the crash was a subconscious attempt to kill myself? Or what if my whole working life is like that in general? Who knows. The day I crashed, I felt just as unfocused and scatterbrained as one of the main characters I’m writing. And now that the project is done I’m feeling a little better. I’m glad I’ll be able to think about different, hopefully happier shit again, and I’m glad this awful fucking weather Toronto has gotten the last little while is finally behind us for a couple months (ISA, hopefully). The clouds are parting, it’s time to turn a new mf leaf, I’ve had it with this shit.
The one positive thing about life you can say is that everything ends. I always try to remember that whenever I’ve accidentally tunnel visioned into a dark thinking pattern or dwelling about some shit. Every road has an end, including unhinged states. I hope this summer is clutch!