This one was written a couple weeks ago. Posting it now because it will be slightly less relevant when Toronto’s lockdown’s bans are lifted.
If you are a regular reader of this website you might recall I mentioned that one of my new year’s resolutions for 2022 is to end my philandering and find a serious long-term girlfriend. I am on the cusp of turning 30, and I’d like to meet someone of value I can hopefully build something meaningful with in this meaningless life. Someone fairly smart and not that ugly, preferably. I will take care of the ugliness in the relationship, thank you very much (haha).
Unfortunately for me, I just don’t think it’s in the cards for me right now. If god is real, I don’t think he wants this for me presently and I won’t fight it. It is simply not meant to be. I’m not too disappointed by this, however. The situation is going almost exactly like I thought it would: things feel as hopeless as the current fall of Western civilization we’re in. It is weird and a little amusing to me that, if a guy wants to get laid or fool around with some girl in this society, that’s honestly really not too difficult. All you gotta do is be honest about your intentions, put in a marginal amount of effort, and you’ll eventually find someone on the same page as you, or trashier than yourself. In a world that is ending that feels as hopeless as it does currently, if you lower your standards enough you can almost always find someone to have a casual encounter with if that’s all you want.
But on the other hand, if you’re looking to fall in love with someone and have something real, that’s actually a lot harder. Everyone wants to have fun for a night, but no one wants to be there to hear about you complain about things going wrong or pick you up from the airport and shit like that. This means people would literally rather suck your dick than listen to you talk. What an insane world we live in. Everything is upside down: when I was younger I always thought it would be harder to get someone to blow me, but it’s a whole lot harder to find someone to genuinely listen, talk, and connect with. Of course, all of this momentary failure comes as no real surprise to me, but I am finding it harder than previously imagined. There are a number of reasons for this, and in this essay I’ll get into a couple of them.
First of all, everyone is inside these days due to the covid situation and Canada’s absurd lockdowns, so it’s almost impossible to meet anyone cool at the moment. The main thing left for people is the normalized eugenics/world of online dating and apps like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge, which I think are terrible mediums for meeting women. They are dehumanizing and you don’t even really have a chance at getting to know anyone. In most cases, it’s over before it even starts. Most people are looking for something very specific and will swipe no on your dumb face if you don’t fit the bill right away. There are women who I’m sure I would like in real life if I met them, but I will probably swipe no on their profiles if it seems like they’re illiterate and not filling out the profile properly. And I’m sure the same goes for them: maybe I wasn’t witty enough in my profile, and they’d probably like me in real life, but they swipe no and it’s over before it even lived. Or maybe they have already decided they don’t like men of a certain height, and that makes me excluded right off the bat if they’ve screened men of a certain height out.
The other challenge I’m having as I approach 30 is that the girls left for me to choose from are mostly of low quality. There’s a shortage of decent girls to choose from, much like the out of stock items at grocery stores these days. A lot of what I’m seeing on these apps are women who have already gotten married and divorced, or women who have already had multiple kids. Basically either damaged goods or some other guy’s leftovers. I know that sounds terrible to say, but it’s also not untrue. Or there are girls who smoke, girls with an absurd amount of tattoos, and just straight up alcoholics. It’s like these apps are filled with the absolute lowest of the low, the dregs of single people that will most likely remain that way. Love really is a battlefield, as the song goes.
What I have finally begun to realize is that there is most likely no one out there for me at this point in time. There is no one out there who is attractive, intelligent, funny, and also miraculously reciprocates my feelings for her. It is simply just not a possibility for me currently because the conditions are not ripe. It’s like making a pizza: you need cheese, sauce, and dough. If you don’t have all the right ingredients, you are turning your oven on and getting all hot for nothing that logically cannot happen. The ingredients are not right for me at the moment: I live with my parents, there’s a covid lockdown, and I can’t find a decent girl I actually like who likes me back. Maybe when I’m 50 this person will exist, and I have to wait another 20 years, but she’s not alive right now. She’s currently in someone’s womb, about to be born, lmao. Hopefully she survives covid, the climate emergency, and everything else coming our way for the next two decades, and our paths cross at some point in the future.
I think the phrase “falling in love” is apt, because I think the emotion of love is probably very similar to a physical sickness, much like one catches a bad cold or gets a fever. That’s why certain things don’t work very well: apps, speed dating, getting set up by someone. It’s all artificial and will not make a person develop the “sickness” naturally enough to make any kind of difference. You cannot force something like love, because that would just be emotion rape, if that makes sense. I guess falling in love is more of a thing that just happens to a person when they’re not ready for it, literally like “falling,” like you slipped on some ice in the winter or a banana peel or some shit. None of these girls I see available to me seem like the conditions would be ripe for me to develop the sickness, so to speak. Unless I really do fall on a literal banana peel someday, hit my head, my intelligence stops working, and I become dumb enough to become attracted to these awful girls😂.
Things are going so poorly for me in this regard it feels like it has to be fate. It just isn’t meant to be. If you’re familiar with my work you will recognize where I’m going with this: I am not going to try any harder than I already am, or fight what is happening in any way, because this has to be pre-ordained. Whoever is in charge up there simply does not want me to have this right now (or maybe not ever). I am not complaining here or being a pussy or a bitter incel about any of this, by the way. I am merely explaining to you what I am currently experiencing matter of factly in a clinical way, and I’m in full acceptance of my fate here. Some things happen for some people, and they just don’t for others. That’s life. Then we all die and it all comes out in the wash, haha.
An example of what I mean by this fate shit: there have been a couple times in my life now where I’ve met a decent girl, things have gone fairly well for awhile, and then something outside of my control ultimately fucks the whole thing up. It has happened more than once in the past: I meet a girl, and at precisely the moment things start picking up for us, she meets another guy she likes more and basically tells me to fuck off, more or less. That’s what I mean by god or fate: I would never tell anyone god is definitely real or fake, but certain situations like that definitely feel pre-ordained. It’s just not what the guy wants for me, I guess. What I’m finally starting to understand about life these days is that your purpose in life is not your purpose, it’s whatever the universe wants for you. If you’ve read what I wrote about free will, etc, that is precisely the same case here: finding a girlfriend is outside of my control. Once again, I have to clarify: I hope that doesn’t come off in an incellious manner, haha.
Anyway, all of this being said, I think my only recourse here is to simply get off these time consuming apps and get back to my creative work. Whenever the time is right, if it’s pre-ordained, I’ll meet someone cool, I guess. Or not. Maybe I will just die alone. At this point I am fine with either, but I am definitely not fine with wasting any more of my time on these apps with any of these losers. And I am sure as shit not in the mood to settle for some guy’s leftovers instead of being alone. I would much rather be alone than with someone I don’t actually like. If I’m gonna sacrifice my time and life for a partner, it’s got to be for someone worth doing so for. If anyone reading this happens to look like Farrah Fawcett in 1976, you’re not too dumb, crazy or annoying, and you are interested in dating, feel free to get in touch!
