A recurring thing I’ve seen on social media now is the idea of what I’d call, “Normal People Privilege.” I know this might already sound weird, especially if you’re not familiar with my work, but just hear me out, lol. There seems to be the growing idea among certain (privileged) people that anyone can find a partner, which is something I disagree with and will discuss further below. This sentiment has only increased with the unfortunate rise of violent guys who call themselves incels. These types are viewed as people who are simply just not doing something right, and if they were to just make more of an effort or something along those lines, they’d be able to find girlfriends, etc.
Another example I’ve seen of this very specific kind of privilege is with regards to dating apps, etc. So many people seem to think that if you have a phone, and there is a high world population, this somehow translates to you being able to succeed with the opposite sex (or the same one/whatever you prefer/IDC). What these people are forgetting (or simply unaware of), is that life doesn’t really work that way for some people. An uncomfortable truth a lot of these privileged people don’t like to think about or want to accept is that, for some people, there is simply no one out there for them. For whatever reason: it could be due to height, weight, skin complexion, or maybe they just do not possess the level of charm required to woo someone. There’s a 2019 film named, Come As You Are, about a group of guys with disabilities who have to travel to Montreal to visit a brothel, for example, and stuff like this is common. Whatever it is, these people are born to be alone. It’s not the end of the world, but it still kinda sucks, and it should still be acknowledged. It is a very painful thing to find out and learn you are missing out on a big part of the human experience, and I don’t think it’s particularly helpful for people who happen to be skilled at relationships or lucky enough to find a decent partner to act like, “incels are crazy,” because it makes these people even bigger social rejects than they were previously. Sometimes I feel like slapping people who say stuff like, “I can’t believe incels are real,” because yes, of course it seems insane to them: they probably don’t know what it’s like to experience rejection. They might think they know, but rejection to them is someone declining a date invitation or something, and then they eventually get lucky with someone else and their past rejections become just another funny story. They probably don’t know what it’s like to hear no from literally every single person they’ve ever tried anything with. These people of privilege seem to think all incels are actually “volcels,” or voluntarily celibate/purposely failing and not doing something right.
I’m not defending the violence incels have caused, and the entitlement men like that tend to have, because that is obviously a huge problem. No one is owed anything in life, and what one lonely person wants and desires doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. There’s nothing worse than a guy who thinks with his dick and lets his hormones flood his brain: it’s a sad day for all of us in society when things of that nature happen, and we are all in great danger, man or woman/doesn’t matter, if one of these fellows acts out. But what I am saying here is that people need to stop acting like “involuntary celibate,” is somehow a made-up concept invented by only insane people on the internet who never “touch grass.” Humans often simplify ideas to make them easier to discuss, and this phenomenon is no different: IMHO, the term “incel” has been reduced to only a partial understanding of what it really means. It means being at the very rock bottom of the dating pool; being seen as completely unfuckable to everyone around you.
The truth is, the label actually applies to both men and women: it is a very specific type of group, people that simply cannot get laid by anyone, no matter how hard they may try. A person in a wheelchair, for example, might be considered an “incel.” An overweight black woman, a short brown man, or a nerdy Asian man (who isn’t handsome and doesn’t look like Simu Liu or some other famous person), on a dating app or website might also be considered incels. (I’m not making this up or talking out my asshole here: the founder of OkCupid wrote a book about this type of discrimination, and online dating doesn’t actually help everyone meet and find each other, it actually makes it harder in some cases). Once again, I have to state that I understand the connotation of the word “incel,” implies a person who is bitter, has mental health issues, and is possibly violent and unhinged. I’m not defending that, I’m just attempting to explain that the phrase actually does define a particular type of person who is not mentally unhealthy by any means. It is definitely true that there are people out there who are simply not treated fairly by the rest of the dating populace, and it always rubs me the wrong way when people say certain things.
People say shit like, “Just get on dating apps, people are ready to meet and talk to you there,” as if it were that easy. As if they would ever match up with any of the people they’re commenting on. Another stupid thing I’ve read people say is the sentiment that these incels are merely young men who need to, “Get out of their parents’ basement, and make more of an effort in life.” I think this shit is so cliche and corny, and fails to hit the real mark of the matter: even if some of these dudes were to go outside and try to talk to people, it’s not like they’d be treated any differently, perhaps due to appearance or poor social skills that can’t be fixed or whatever else is wrong with them. Some people are just unlucky and born to be alone.
The other thing I will comment on is what I feel stuff like this says about dating. To tell someone else that, “There is someone out there for you,” or, “You’re not trying hard enough,” not only implies that the person is somehow doing something wrong, there is also the subtle implication that the person who isn’t lucky with dating must humble themselves and settle for whoever is available to them. I know it sounds funny to say that an ugly person should have options too, but people should realize this is true. Just because you’re perceived as ugly, doesn’t mean you should automatically be with other people perceived to be the same way. When people say shit like, “I can’t believe incels are real, how can you not get a girlfriend,” they are also sort of saying, “If you can’t find a quality person, you should settle for someone who is mid.” If my only options as a short brown dude are to either keep facing unluckiness on dating apps, or to settle for someone mid….I would honestly rather be alone. I’m sure if I was really lonely I could settle for some girl who I’m not actually that into, but why would anyone want to do that? Imagine being in a relationship with some girl who you don’t even really like, and can’t get hard for. Or some selfish girl who doesn’t even get you anything for your birthday or Christmas, or bake you cupcakes on special occasions, and shit like that. (That reminds me, just a quick side note here: I remember this girl baking cupcakes for a friend of mine on his birthday once and feeling very envious about this. It’s one thing to get laid, but to have a girl bake you cupcakes is so special I can’t even describe it. You can’t even pay prostitutes to do shit like that for you!). I’m not saying it has to be perfect, but if it’s not at least a 7/10 relationship or experience, what the fuck is the point in doing it? That would be like saying, “I'm gonna direct a buddy comedy rn, but what I really want to make is There Will Be Blood…” Why settle in the first place? Just to pass the time? Fuck that.
Stop telling people they should feel bad for being incels, I don’t think shaming anyone for being bad at relationships is the dunk people think it is. There seems to be this perception in the culture about having “no bitches,” or being a guy with, “no game,” and so forth. I would argue that this isn’t really something privileged people should make light of. It doesn’t really say anything good about you, it’s like bragging about having eyesight to a blind person. Congratulations on getting bitches, some people were born without arms and legs, and they’re now incels because no one wants to fuck a torso (unless they’re a serial killer or something like that).
Some of this shit is just not attainable to others, and people need to stop acting like it’s the same for everyone. People are not born equal: some people are taller, some people are fatter, some people spit when they talk, etc. Not everyone is destined to be with someone, and that leads me to my next and final point here that might come off as even weirder to some of you that don’t like to get spiritual and whatnot lol. I have often had the thought: the game is so rigged, it feels like it’s gotta be divine intervention. There is just no other way I can explain it, no other reason that comes to mind. The only explanation that I can offer you is that there must be some kind of higher power behind the incel’s unluckiness. Once again, I have to remind you: I am not talking about a white nerd on the internet when I say “incel,” I’m talking about people you probably wouldn’t picture right away. What about a super overweight girl who sweats a lot? She can’t lose weight because she has a thyroid problem and she’s got wicked bad hypoglycaemia and has to eat constantly in order to stay awake. It sucks, but this poor girl will most likely remain an incel for her whole life. At most, she could perhaps convince a male friend to engage in a “pity fuck,” in the parlance of our times, but she’ll never have the same romantic life as another girl without those problems, and it’s really the romance she’s looking for, not just dick. Another example would be a guy who has already been laid in the past, but he’s changed and maybe he’s got a beer gut and he’s smelly and mid now, and he’s having a really long dry spell, like for over a year: that guy could be classified as an incel, regardless of past experiences.
To use myself as an example here, consider this for a moment: I have a car, I’m employed, I’m not that ugly (or that handsome, I’m just average looking), on paper I’m not a dumbass (I have a University degree), I’m not a saint when it comes to my views regarding women, but I don’t think I’m any more or less misogynistic than the average dude. I would never label myself as a feminist, and I would never go around pretending to be more supportive of women than I am for points, but at the same time I don’t think I’m that bad overall. Compared to the average guy, I don’t think I’m any better or worse. I shower everyday, my hygiene is in order, I dress okay, I exercise 5 times a week, I am a pretty normal guy. I know a couple other guys like myself with girlfriends, and I don’t have one. So how is this possible? Like I said: it’s gotta be divine intervention. It’s not because I’m “not trying hard enough,” or somehow doing something wrong, it is quite literally out of my control. If god is real, I think he/she/it wants certain people to pay attention to other things in their lives, not just getting pussy (or dick/butthole/whatever applies to you). Like, who knows: what if I had met a girl in 2019, and I shacked up with her before all this covid stuff happened? Let’s say, instead of me living with my parents for all that time and feeling like a prisoner and being miserable, I had a Farrah Fawcett looking girlfriend and I was living with her in some big condo downtown Toronto we split the rent on. Would I have still written The Lost Generation or Street Players? I know myself, and I honestly don’t think I would have: I would’ve been too obsessed with spending time with her and making her happy, walking around parks and eating ice cream and taking B&W 35mm photos of her and shit, etc. So who tf knows: sometimes you don’t get bitches because maybe god wants you to work on other shit (if god is real).
This is what is meant by “incels,” and what Normal People Privilege fails to address: involuntary celibate is a real condition. It sucks that there are dudes who shoot up a place or run over a bunch of people, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that there’s a whole other segment of the population that is afflicted with the condition of being unfuckable. I think this is a huge deal people need to consider, and it’s important to remember if they want to understand the whole scope of this incel stuff: it’s not just violent dudes, there are regular people who are just not liked by other people, and never will be, because that’s just life. On the bright side though, sometimes I feel that if you acknowledge certain terrible truths about life, it makes it easier to move on.