CHAPTER 2: AN ULTIMATUM
I’m lost.
If it wasn’t already clear to him, as soon as he had that thought Roger fell into what felt like a hole right there in the middle of the forest. Someone must have dug the hole as a trap for a Sveltrex - a horselike beast that was known for being a great source of protein. Roger wasn’t sure, but it felt like he probably fell about 8 feet below the ground.
I’M LOST!
Roger got up and brushed himself off, unable to believe he actually survived the fall.
“Heyhey. Kid. Kid.”
“Kid kid kid.”
“Hello?”
He looked up to see the same elves he encountered just a short moment ago, peeking over the top of the hole, staring down at him with bewilderment.
“Are you are are you you.”
“Okay, Okay. Okay?”
“I think so. I’m just lost.”
“We we can help help.”
“Help help help.”
“That would be great, just point me in the direction.”
“My name is Idiot.”
“My name is Genius.”
“We will take you back home.”
“Thank you.”
Together, the elves that only went by the names Idiot and Genius held hands. They recited an elf prayer, and then the three of them all started levitating. Roger blacked out, and the next thing he knew he was at home.
“Roger Roger Roger.”
“We we are home home now.”
“Now now now. Now.”
“That was fast….Thank you!”
“No no. Problem. Problem.”
Just then, Roger’s mother and father interrupted.
“Who are your new friends, Roger?”
“Oh, hey. This is Idiot and Genius. I got lost and they helped me back home. This is my mother and father.”
“Hello hello.”
“Hellohello. Hello.”
“Thanks for bringing him back home safely. Is there anything we can get you? Water, tea?”
“No no..”
“Nono.”
The elves thanked Roger’s parents anyway, and then got serious for a moment. They explained that there was a very important piece of news to discuss.
“We we did not not help you for no reason reason. Reason.”
“Reason reason. Reason.”
“I knew it. Well, what do you want? I’m afraid we can’t offer you much, we were never rich people to begin with. Do you want a couple Plotyz?”
“No! This is bigger than some stupid made-up currency! Currency currency. Currency.”
“Currency currency.”
“Well what the fuck do you want then?”
“Truthfully truthfully…….”
The elves stopped for a moment, and looked at each other.
“Well? What is it?”
“This this may take some time time. Time.”
“Time. Time.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Look. Look. You won’t won’t won’t believe.”
“Believe, believe.”
“It’s very very weird. Weird.”
“Just tell us or get off our property,” said Roger’s father.
“We have it on good authority Roger is meant for bigger things. He is not supposed to be living here all his life. Roger’s true purpose is to expose and take down The CommenXia once and for all.”
Roger’s mother and father burst out laughing in the elves’ faces. The CommenXia was the new government to emerge once the world ended - they were the rich elite of what was formerly earth, who pooled all of their resources together to build a super top-secret underground Bunker of Safety. Only the rich were permitted in, the outside of the bunker was littered with dead poor people who tried to crawl inside the bunker in their final moments of torturous life.
“We’re not bullshitting you. Roger is the real deal.”
“How do we know you’re not just saying that to abduct Roger for your own evil gains? How are we to believe you’re not just gonna take Roger back home with the rest of the elves and make him your personal sex slave?”
“Nonsense! You know that we elves only like to fuck each other.”
“Yeah right, you know how much a kid like Roger would go for on the black market? He can be used for a decent amount of labour, not a bad investment in the long run.”
“Thanks a lot, dad.”
“I didn’t mean it in a bad way. I’m just saying: it’s the goddamn post-apocalypse here. Labour is a good bargaining point.”
Idiot and Genius cleared their elf throats, making an odd noise almost impossible to describe. It sounded like a half whistle, half tire braking. All noise stopped immediately, and the elves received complete attention.
“Now listen……….we know we sound crazy. Just think it over. We’ll give you a week to sleep on it and make a decision. But we cannot give you anymore time than that, for the world does not have that much time left.”
“Make a decision? About what?”
“Have we not made it clear?
“No, what the hell are you guys on about here?”
“Get it through your brain, human: Roger is the only person who can save us. He is the ONLY ONE who can defeat The CommenXia rulers. We were sent by The Great Wizard himself.”
“Okay, now I KNOW you’re full of shit.”
“Like we said: we’re giving you a week to decide. We’ll come back later.”
***
The week passed by as slowly as usual, except this time with something outlandish to think about. Roger had no clue what he would do.
“I think those two are jokers. I don’t believe a word they say,” said his father.
“So you don’t think I should go with them?”
“You do whatever you feel you have to.”
“But…..The Great Wizard! What if this is real, dad!?”
The Great Wizard was one of those wild urban legends in Forlorn; no one knew how it started or if it was real, but people talked about it all the time. It was something nice to think about when times were tough: a magical man who possessed the powers to restore Forlorn back to the way things used to be. The Great Wizard was believed to be a somewhat small, frail looking man that was always wearing a robe, and had a big long white beard down to his lap. He was an odd figure because he was rumoured to have godlike powers that could do so much good, yet he never once answered anybody’s prayers. It was a vicious, endless cycle: people prayed for good, nothing happened, they would stop believing in The Great Wizard, and he would be even less motivated to do anything.
“There’s no way they’re telling the truth, Roger.”
“Why would they lie?”
“I told you: on the market those elves could probably sell you for a decent amount of-“
“No! You heard them! This is more important than currency. This is about order to the universe. I have a crazy feeling about this.”
“Maybe he’s right,” said Roger’s mother.
“Now you’re taking his side!?”
“I don’t know. I just….don’t know…this could be real. Something about those elves seemed very urgent. I believe them.”
After much discussion, it was finally decided: Roger would join Idiot and Genius. He would make the journey once and for all to see if this Great Wizard was real or not.
***
True to their word, the elves showed up after a week went by. EXACTLY one week, right down to the hour and minute, the elves were right there to pick up where they left off.
“So so what what is is is is is it going going to to-“
“Relax, guys. I’m going.”
The elves looked happy, and told him to follow.
“Wait a second!!! Not right this second!!!”
“YES. Yes. Right away. Right right away.”
“Away away away.”
“This is life or death Roger.”
“Life or death. Life or death.”
“Then why’d you guys give me a week to think about it if time is so important?”
“Your life here means nothing. It’s when the journey starts….time is everything.”
“Wait a second, don’t I have time to pack?”
“PACK? You don’t get it,” said Genius.
“Your life here is completely meaningless. Forget about all this shit. This is about the universe here. This is life or death. You understand? We’re taking you on a journey that is bigger than anything you can imagine right now. It’ll all make sense later,” said Idiot.
“Later….later…..later,” said both of the weird little elves at the same time…..
“Mom. Dad. See you guys later…..I’ll miss you both dearly.”
Roger and the elves began the long journey toward the legendary Great Wizard.
“…..Hey Roger! Wait a second!”
“Roger cannot afford a second. This could very easily be the thing that ruins this whole journey and mission to save the planet,” yelled the elves.
“Well, don’t bother turning back. Just catch this flask!!!”
Roger turned his head just in time to see his mother toss a small metal flask.
“It’s IslandComavand! It’ll serve you well on the road. Made with the special Sloyve I asked you to find for me!! Maybe it was meant to be the whole time after all! Good luck Roger…..”
Roger thought about that for a second: if his mother never asked him to acquire Sloyve he would have never bumped into these magical elves. His life would have been totally different!
“That’s a bunch of bullshit.”
“What is?”
“What you’re thinking about right now. Even if you never came to The Forest of Lillyballs we would’ve still found you somehow.”
“How do you know what I’m thinking?”
“Because we’re fucking elves. We have magical powers and abilities, you bitchass.”
“Wow, I didn’t know you could do that! Cut me some slack, you’re the first elves I’ve ever met.”
“Anyway, you’re wrong: we would’ve found you either way. Don’t you get it by now?”
“Yeah, I get it, I get it!”
“No, you really don’t Roger. You’re The Chosen One. The Great Wizard himself chose YOU. He had a vision. Specifically he requested us to get you. Out of all the elves living on Forlorn he chose US. And out of all the surviving human boys left he chose YOU. For a reason. You get it?”
“Yes.”
The three of them walked silently through a particularly muddy section of Forlorn. It was a total shitfest: they were passing by what was nicknamed as Diarrhea Village.
“Why are we taking this way?”
“It’s the fastest way to get there. It’s either through here or through The Forest of Lillyballs, and I doubt you want to go that way again.”
“Yeah, never again.”
“Good. Diarrhea Village it is, then.”
They trudged through the squishy, enveloping mud. It seemed like they were getting swallowed by the ground with each miserable step they took.
“Oh my……it smells terrible here.”
“Yeah obviously. We’re not in The Rosegardens of CommenXia here, we’re in-“
“I know, but….”
Roger started vomiting all over the muddy grounds he found himself walking on.
“Let that be your first lesson, boy. To reach the heights of success and to meet The Great Wizard himself, you must first put in the time and go through hell.”
Roger wiped the puke off his face.
“Okay, we’re here. As they say....We’re in hell. Let’s keep going.”
After several hours, they finally made it out the other end of the dreadful place, where they ended up at The Beaches of Diarrhea Village. The shore of the place was just a watery, darker mud. When they finally reached the shore, Roger collapsed right at the edge. Never was the boy so happy to leave somewhere.
“We made it.”
“Yes, and that is just the beginning.”