Well, here it is. The end of what many people are calling their, “worst year ever.” The funny thing about all of this to me: my life was already fairly shitty. Prior to 2020, the worst year in my life was 2019. It’s not like I was doing amazingly well and thriving before all of this, I really wasn’t. I haven’t been able to find a steady job since March 2019 (it’s a long story that involves a racist boss and a braindead whore: see older posts), nothing has worked out for me so far and I’m pretty bitter about life, getting more so with every passing year. It’s at the point where I don’t even feel like talking to most people anymore because I’m tired of hearing about how great other people are doing — it gets absolutely exhausting on my psyche. Don’t come to me with your various successes in life, come to me with your misery, because I can relate to that.
I am usually feeling a low murmuring level of depression about 99% of the time, I don’t have very many friends or an active social life, I don’t ever go out because I can’t anymore due to the stupid Canadian government’s imbecilic rules, nobody is buying my writing, I have no girlfriend and haven’t gotten pussy in months, everyone my age and younger is flourishing and getting a cool apartment or whatever and I’m 28 and still live with my parents, there will most likely never be an end to that because I can’t find a job that pays enough to the point that it makes sense to move out, and my parents can’t afford to help in that capacity (a predicament that has only been worsened by the pandemic). So I have been prepared for being miserable for a long time now: 2020 was awful, but really not that big of a deal for me.
When you’re already at rock bottom it kind of doesn’t really matter what happens next: you can only go up from there. My life is pretty much the same as it was last year, except now I can’t go see movies or walk around downtown without a mask.
For those of you that have been reading my website for awhile now you might remember, in last year’s end of year post I wrote: “2019 has been the worst year of my life (so far). I’m only 27, and I’m sure there will be more and in the future it’ll get so bad I’ll probably WISH I had this year.” Sure enough, 2020 did kind of make me wish I could go back to a time in which I had the luxury of sitting in a movie theatre.
So with all of that being said, here’s another list of things I learned in another awful year of life on this piece of shit planet.
1. We Are All Connected
I never really used to believe this was true until this year. I’ve always believed very heavily in the idea that “man is an island” and I’ve mostly kept to myself and avoided others, etc.
Now I know I was wrong. I mean, think about it: some guy in China eats a fuckin bat and the rest of the world has to shut down indefinitely. It’s absurd. Some guy I will never meet (and don’t want to meet either, because fuck him for ruining my year even worse than I was expecting, haha) affected my life in an unusual way.
Will I change my behaviour and how I live my life moving forward? Will I learn anything from this pandemic? Probably not, but it’s interesting to think about.
2. Boomers Are All Awful
I fucking hate people over 50 years old. It’s the one prejudice I have about anyone that I allow myself to have because I know I’m not wrong. I fucking hate boomers so much for what they did.
They’re a whole generation of people that had it easy forever. Things were so good for so long that these people now literally have worms in their brains from their various indulgences over the years. You try to talk to these shithead boomers about anything, and it’s like talking to someone who has a time machine and lives in a different world almost.
They fucked up the entire world with their economic selfishness, took everything for themselves, left nothing for generations younger than them, and now here we are. The only jobs left for young people are cashier shit minimum wage jobs, food delivery, or OnlyFans. I thought my life would end up being so much more by now, and it’s turned into complete shit, yet boomers got to have it all and squandered everything. I hate what this fucking world has become, and I hate boomers even more. Fuck all of them.
3. Life Is Meaningless.
I was already aware that this was the case, but this year solidified it once again. God isn’t real, nothing happens after you die, karma isn’t real, and none of this “happens for a reason.” Nothing matters. Life is meaningless. A guy fucks a woman and ejaculates, 9 months later a baby comes out of her vagina, and it grows up and attributes meaning to life where there is none. It’s that simple. The only thing we’re owed in this life is death, that’s it.
Earlier this year my grandfather died of cancer. It was a longtime coming, one of those things that wasn’t a surprise when it actually happened. When my grandfather was finally dying, one of the last things he said out loud was wild. He was in bed, and he could barely get the words properly out, but he said, “Life…..……is nothing. We’re here today………tomorrow we’re gone.” They weren’t his last words, but he died shortly after saying that.
Now, the interesting thing to me about his message is the fact that he lived to be 86 years old. To most of us, when you hear 86 years old that sounds like a really long time to be alive. I mean, I’m 28 right now while writing this: the thought of reaching 86 to me is intense. But conceptually speaking, life is actually not that long the more you think about it. The years go by very quickly, before you know it you’ve reached old age, and then you die within 100 years at least. It’s not really that big of a deal, humans just overthink shit and think things are important. He died on March 28, a month after my birthday, and I’ve been unable to get it out of my head ever since due to the mental clarity with which he said it.
After 86 years of life on this planet, it was like he was telling us a sure indisputable thing: life is meaningless. You could live to be 86 years old, and in the end it’s still “nothing.” All those experiences, and still just “nothing.” Not in a bad or negative way either, life just is. Life is closer to waves on a beach that go on endlessly than the short-term cyclical conflicts we believe in. Does that make sense? I don’t know, but one day I’ll be dead and it will only matter to those of you still alive and reading it.