MEANINGLESS MAGAZINE is a comedy/philosophy website with writing on it.

Stop Masturbating To My Writing

As of this year, Meaningless Magazine has been up for 3 years. 

The 2010s for me basically consisted of: graduating from high school in 2010, graduating from University in 2014, and then instantly realizing none of my dreams would come true. The only constant in the years that followed were my consistent failure to secure gainful employment. I started this website in 2017 specifically after getting let go from a shitty contract job doing social media for some dumb company.

Since then I’ve been posting stuff for a small number of people that enjoy it. Over these 3 years I’ve noticed one recurring trend: people seem to be finding my website because of this.

When I look at the analytics for the site I keep seeing that people are searching vulgar, pornographic search terms into Google, and then my website is being suggested to them due to the fact that I used the word, “fuck,” in the headline for that article.

If you are one of those readers with your penis in your hand at 2AM in the morning reading this, I’d suggest you put it away, get up, go wash your hands, and come back to read this. Don’t worry, this will probably still be here when you get back.

Okay, thanks for returning. What I have to say may hurt your feelings, but please understand that I’m not telling you this to be mean. I’m writing this because I want you to better yourself and be superior to who you were yesterday.

Here we go: stop jerking off to my writing. In fact, you should stop jerking off to shit on the internet period. It’s incredibly annoying to make an effort writing something, only to see complete losers like yourself merely looking for something to jerk off to. Personally, I believe chronic masturbators are subhuman people. I mean, think about it: you were given a brain, you spent years in school, you’re probably not illiterate if you’re using the internet….and yet you are using your abilities to pleasure yourself to smut on a little lightbox invented by people just like you (but who were smarter because they actually applied themselves).

Imagine this: your ancestors hunted lions. Fought bears. Ran through forests. Wrestled under the sun. They were so strong and powerful they didn’t even need to lift weights because every single day they lived with purpose: survive, survive, survive! All of their actions culminated in that one goal of survival. They didn’t even know what the fuck a “calorie” was because cardio was free and a part of their everyday lives.

Now, fast forward hundreds of years later. You, the offspring of great people, are directing all your efforts and energies at one narcissistic task: touching your pathetic little pecker, pleasuring yourself to images of better, more athletic men than yourself satisfying women you will never attain. 

It’s unnatural, it’s a sign of weakness, and it’s sickening.

Our world is incredibly warped right now. I believe that’s one of the reasons why there are groups like incels acting out violently: it’s one of the by-products of a culture that has allowed disgusting pornography to run amok. In North America we take our youngest, healthiest minds, give ‘em unchecked access to the most despicable shit imaginable, and then we wonder why a guy gets into a van and runs over a bunch of people. The answer is pretty clear: men are inside their bedrooms, harassing their bodies, smelling their farts all day, doing absolutely nothing to better themselves, and then have the audacity to wonder why nobody likes them.

Here’s the good news: when I look at the analytics for my website, I’m noticing that the same people who search incredibly asinine things like “fucking doggystyle spiderman costume,” actually go on to click around on and spend a short amount of time reading some of my other stuff on here. Presumably, I’m guessing they read a little, and then move on to finishing the job.

That short 5 minute window you spend reading around the website with your dick in your hand is a sign of optimism: you are still capable of using your brain and your intellect. The corporations have not destroyed you entirely yet.

Look: once in awhile is really not that bad. You have needs, the world is ending: I get it. However, it’s a slippery slope. Some of you motherfuckers are too weak. Judging from your search terms some of you are in a really dark place, and you could use some serious help. You should dedicate yourself to something productive, but if you really need to, perhaps try jerking from the heart and mind instead of corporately made, industrial pornographic filth. That’s a learned behaviour, and you can probably unlearn it as well.

Just take a look at the average man who responds to a post made by an Instagram model: is that who you want to end up like? A man who can’t spell properly, someone who has lost all connection with reality….these are lost, broken souls. They actually think that if they comment on some girl’s post (who they don’t know) she might magically respond and go, “Oh my god, BoomerGuy69 I never thought of it that way! Where do you live? I’m going to fly over there and fuck you immediately!” The men that engage in that kind of behaviour should be used as examples of what can happen when you let yourself go completely and give in to your base impulses and desires as a man. These are subhuman apes that have allowed corporations and social media companies to rewire their brain without even realizing that they’ve lost their minds. Click on the profile of a man that does nothing all day but comment on a model’s photo: it’s a portrait of a sad, pathetic loser. Do you really want to end up like some guy with a profile picture of himself looking cross-eyed and confused?

I would suggest distancing yourself from your horseshit for awhile. There’s a professor by the name of Loretta Breuning, and she said it takes 45 days to build a new neural pathway in the brain. Your first instinct as a masturbatory loser obsessed with momentary bliss might be to say, “45 days! That’s way too long! I have needs!” But once you get over the slump you’ll find you probably won’t even think about it anymore.

However, the choice is yours. If you want to betray your ancestors and keep excessively exsanguinating yourself to images that are not real, go ahead. You can’t say that you were not told, though. Next time you’re looking at filth be aware that you’re not at your best, and you’re being a total loser throwing potential away in the garbage along with your used tissues. A dead end on your family tree.

At the very least: please stop jerking off to my website. I don’t like to associate with losers, that’s all I ask. Thank you, and good luck.

What I would do if I was a hot girl.

What does "life is meaningless" mean?